A tentative project has me going through most of my digital photos, going back almost a decade. It’s a humbling experience. But weeding through many older shots with a more experienced eye can yield pleasant surprises. Below find a gallimaufry composed of photos originally overlooked or entirely reworked from scratch, further curated in the style of Orson Welles recording ad copy for a British frozen food company in the 70’s, because I felt like it.
[Orson Welles]
“We know a desolate suburb outside Chicago where a power plant rots. Every weekend, urbexers skulk there.” Do you really mean that?
[Director One]
Uh, yes, so in other words, I–I–I’d start half a second later.
[Orson Welles]
Don’t you think you really want to say “weekend” over the decay? Isn’t that the fun of it?
[Director One]
It’s–if–if you can (laughs) if you can make it almost when that shot disappears, it’ll make more–
[Orson Welles]
I think it’s so nice that–that you see a rust-covered turbine and say “every weekend ubexers skulk there”. “We know a desolate suburb outside Chicago where a power plant rots. Every weekend, urbexers skulk there.” We aren’t even in the plant, you see?
[Director One]
Oh, I’m sorry, Orson.
[Orson Welles]
Yes, always. I’m always–past that!
[Orson Welles]
But that’s–that’s bad copy. It’s every weekend. Of course it’s every weekend! There’s too much directing around here.
[Orson Welles]
Riverdale. Red Comb riv- Riverdale grainery. “We know a certain grainery in Riverdale, near where the railroads pass by. There, Jerry Ol–, Olenjisak,” shit!
[Director One]
A fraction more on the–on that spiral thing, ’cause you rolled it round very nicely.
[Orson Welles]
Yeah, roll it round and I have no more time. You don’t know what I’m up against. Because it’s full of–of–of things that are only correct because they’re grammatical, but they’re tough on the ear. You see, this is a very wearying one, it’s unpleasant to read. Unrewarding.”
[Orson Welles]
Here under protest is “Abandoned Hospital.” “We know a little place in the Chicago North, where trespassing photographers procure the finest in urbex photography…” This is a lot of shit, you know that? You want one more?
[Director One]
Orson, you did six last year, and by far and away the best, and I know the–the reason–
[Orson Welles]
The right reading for this is the one I’m giving it!
[Director One]
For the moment.
[Orson Welles]
I spent… twenty times more for you people than any other blog post I’ve ever made. You are such pests! Now, what is it you want?
[Director One]
Now, I think–
[Orson Welles]
In your depths of your ignorance, what is it you want? Whatever it is you want, I can’t deliver it because I just don’t see it.
[Director One]
That was absolutely fine, it really was.
[Orson Welles]
Here, you– (crumples script, stands up) This isn’t worth it. No money is worth it! Listening to… (leaves studio)
